september / october 2005:

Three questions on style
Our style maven solves your fashion conundrums. This issue: Ortho weddings,
the color of Kippur, and the ultimate thank-you gift. by Chanie Cohen


've been invited to a cousin’s wedding. This will be my first Orthodox ceremony. Help! What exactly is the attire for this sort of thing? Do I have to cover every part of my body? Wear a wig? Grow a beard?

There are a few things to take into account when determining what to wear to any wedding — time of day, indication of dress on invitation, and so forth. Evening weddings are generally more formal than daytime weddings, and if the type of attire isn’t written on the invite, you can pretty much assume it’s going to be formal. It’s also important to remember to stick to their dress code guidelines. The point is not to draw attention away from the bride with your brand new leather mini. Skirts should ideally be below the knee, tops with sleeves and generally high knecklines. A shimmery long sleeve tight black top can be tucked into a knee-length flairy skirt with some pretty embroidery or beading, for instance. Pair the outfit with black strappy stilettos and you’re set. Many times guests at Orthodox weddings bring costumes to wear during the dancing (which can actually get pretty rowdy at times) to “perform” for the bride and groom. I once attended a wedding where one set of the groom’s cousins were informed of this custom and showed up to the wedding in lays, hula skirts, and seashell bras. Unfortunately, their source didn’t relay this crucial bit of 411: That the costumes were to be donned after the ceremony.

have a little dilemma — I’ve always been accustomed to wearing white to synagogue on Yom Kippur. But this year, Yom Kippur falls out way after Labor Day. Is this an exception to the no-white after Labor Day rule?

What no-white after Labor Day rule? Have you seen how many designers fashion white options specifically for winter? True, a white tube top and flip-flops might not be appropriate in mid-October (or on Yom Kippur for that matter), but there are plenty of winter-white alternatives out there. And with peasant skirts all the rage this summer, a white one paired with a black top is a no-brainer to look great while repenting. Speaking of breaking rules, wearing white to synagogue on Yom Kippur is a rule that can be broken as well. If you’re going to be in synagogue for so long, the best thing to wear is something comfortable, yet respectful. And bring a sweater. Some synagogues attempt to solve the High Holidays overcrowding problem by amping up the AC.

y husband and I are often invited out for Friday night Shabbat dinner and I still can’t figure out what to give as a thank-you gift? Is it wine? Flowers? A pet rock?

Aaahhhh. The timeless debate of flowers vs. wine vs. chotchke. Many wise sages have pondered this quandary for millennia and as of yet, I still know of no published dictum for this particular predicament. Let’s take a look at our options.

Flowers: At first glance, this might be your gift of choice. After all, they smell nice and look pretty. But I have some problems with this particular offering of thanks. For one, they die. Secondly, who knows if someone from your host’s family won’t be allergic to something in the bunch? And then there’s the maintenance factor — your host has to either change the water or clean out the vase in a few days’ time. Moving on.

Chotchkes: In this category we find napkin holders, paperweights, salt and pepper shakers, desk clocks that can also be used as paperweights, and other small items that will soon be found at your host’s next garage sale. Enough said.

Wine: My final (and favorite) gift for the Friday night host and hostess — a well-aged bottle of Dalton Cabernet Reserve, a sophisticated red wine that can be served with dinner and there’s no messy clean-up or need for them to regift. And what if they don’t like your choice? Well, at least you can go home knowing that your gift will get some face time at next year’s Passover seder, when they’ll take it out for the third cup of wine (when it’s too late to care about taste anyway, and you might even get an honorable mention). Besides, they can always use it for Elijah’s cup.

As a finishing touch, no matter what gift you choose, it’s always classy to send a simple sincere thank-you card after being a guest at someone else’s home, especially if your paper clip holder in the shape of an elephant didn’t quite do the trick.


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